see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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