I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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