The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
