so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
