I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize