i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize