I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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