I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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