sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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