Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
