Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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