i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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