i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
