Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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