I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You made out with two different species that night
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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