I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
