Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize