It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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