I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Farmville is her only friend.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
