I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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