so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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