I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
