I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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