I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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