I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
