I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
