I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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