If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
