i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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