She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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