I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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