Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
