Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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