whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Damn victory sex feels great
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
