how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
