woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
