Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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