Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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