My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
