Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
