Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
