I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
