Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
