Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
