Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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