My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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