So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
