Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
