i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
