Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
