I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
