I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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