dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
