boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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