I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize