dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
