You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
