did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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