my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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