Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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