Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
