i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
