i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
