Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
